His and Hers
He’s a saver, you donate a boxful of goods every week. Your socks are folded and filed standing at attention when you open the drawer. His socks are a jumble of cloth, partners long ago separated, never to be reunited again. Alas, you love him.
The universe is a funny thing balancing itself out when needed, as in opposites attract. What once may have qualified as a quirky and sweet habit is now driving you around the bend. Of all the things that couples argue about, it may or may not surprise you to learn that clutter is popular fodder. A study conducted by SpareFoot noted this was the case for nearly half of the couples surveyed. The biggest clutter culprit: clothing. You can just imagine how an innocent comment about getting rid of a ratty old t-shirt (your description, not his), can easily escalate into a full-blown, gloves off, war of the words. It’s not a good look on anyone, least of all a loving couple in an otherwise very happy relationship.
As the World Turns
When it comes to possessions, we live in a far different world than we did just a few short years ago. At the press of a button, a tap, or a click, a brand new something or other appears on our doorstep in less time than it takes to fold a load of laundry. We buy not because we need, but because we can do it so easily. Our homes fill with these purchases, some useful, some not. Some may never be taken out of the packaging. We’re surrounded by stuff, on average, 300,000 pieces per household.
Our belongings also identify us. That ratty old t-shirt may come complete with a very emotionally charged attachment. It’s representative of a time in our life when… The t-shirt becomes the memory itself. And if it belonged to a loved one passed; it’s personified representing the world the way we used to know it.
What’s a Couple to Do?
On the surface, couples readily argue or at least have a difference of opinion about the volume of each other’s belongings, and the lack of organization for said belongings. A relationship expert may tell you it’s not really about the stuff. While that’s likely true, it’s the stuff that brought you to a clutter-infused impasse and it’s the stuff that may bring you closer together than you thought possible. And it’s the stuff that just may strengthen your relationship. Every house needs a foundation and so does this argument. And so, build your foundation.
1. Share a vision. Professional organizers talk with their clients a lot about having a vision for their space, a room or their entire home, essentially whatever area needs organizing. The vision provides the road map and is the first step in any project. As organizing expert Peter Walsh is often quoted, “Clutter is not just the stuff on the floor, it’s anything that stands between you and the life you want to be living.” Basically, as a couple you need to get on the same page about the vision you want of the life you’re sharing.
2. Remember, there’s no I in team. Another cliché, yes, but applicable here. Once you’ve agreed on a shared vision, you’ll need to work together to support that vision. Jointly decide how to keep spaces uncluttered and organized. Come up with a game plan that’s reasonable to you both and balances the responsibilities you’ve agreed to. In the bigger picture, you may need to discuss spending habits and establish rules about what’s coming in and what’s going out.
3. Respect the stuff, respect the space, respect each other. Talk about what’s important to each of you and set some ground rules to understand and honor each other’s wishes and expectations. That might mean that you each have a space to keep on your own terms. Determine how each of the common spaces will be used. Mutually agree to putting an expiration date on certain categories of clutter and eliminate the argument triggers. As with other parts of your relationship, compromise is key.
Many people often ask me or comment that my house must be so organized. Yes, it mostly is, I reply. But I’m married.